I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
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Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.