9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
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79.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
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that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)