if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
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Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Guy who likes music
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
the composer
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.