If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
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When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.