Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
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Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.