satan: not today, microsoft teams
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funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
mmm onion ringos
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.