As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
You Might Also Like
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
happy friday
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.