A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
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We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Stop being racist to kettles.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home