If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
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Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Happy Febuary everyone!