The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
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Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
This bar smells like my childhood.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife