I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
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I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
That was easy.
Lucky old June.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
This is always good for a laugh.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
found my next D&D character name
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.