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i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why