ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
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MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates