I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
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I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door