cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
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When did white people become such fucking pussies?
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.