“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
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Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Please do it!
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.