I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
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Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Good point.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now