“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
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Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u