*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
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Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that