first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
You Might Also Like
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.