I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
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A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
White Castle for the Win
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.