My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
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I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.