The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
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⚠️ Important Reminder:
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Wake me when AI does housework
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn