My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
You Might Also Like
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”