her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
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Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?