Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
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If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn鈥檛 so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 馃摑馃槶
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it鈥檚 my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn鈥檛 you bring a dog to an interview?
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
馃ぃ
me: you鈥檝e changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven鈥檛
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Husband: What鈥檚 with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.