“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
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Happy Star Wars day!
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.