Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
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The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
a lot to unpack here
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.