Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
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Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.