If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
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“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.