Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
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Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.