please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
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Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Catering service
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.