Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
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Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.