i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
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Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Omg 🤣
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?