Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
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Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.