Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
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Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them