When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
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Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
c’mon!
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy