See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
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Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.