I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
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I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”