Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
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Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that