Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
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WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Bill is short for Billiam
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten