Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
You Might Also Like
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.