this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
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getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Oh we’ve met.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”