I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
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My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
The Compass
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing