[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
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Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan