“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
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Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
She puts the hot in psychotic
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Best mom ever 😂
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.