My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
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Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
I think we should hear other voices.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?