Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
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Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
My neck my back my allergy attack
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
good work, everybody
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!