Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
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Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.