me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
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Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.